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Hi everyone, welcome back to "What Not to Write," the show where we present to you the internet's finest, most eligible bachelors...
Tonight's guest comes all the way from South Africa! He's quite the catch:
( basic info )
So far, so good. Right?
( actual profile, comments in italics )
(And his picture is a picture of a guy with big muscles, shirt off, face cut off above the nose.)
Seriously? Are you a real person? Let's spot the things wrong with this profile:
1. The picture is almost certainly a fake/not of him.
2. He both claims to be a serious Christian and is out looking for casual sex.
3. Why the heck are you winking at women all the way in Cambridge, MA? My one theory is that he saw that I was shorter than him, and that's why he winked at me. But I'm sure there are short girls who are not continents away.
4.Everything?
Fellas, if you want to put up a fake/"enhanced" profile to get the ladies to swarm after you, this is not the way to go about it. Women are generally not turned on by talk of how good you are in bed and how big your genitalia are. Usually we want some kind of personality in the people whom we would potentially date. And I think even women who are out for casual sex would agree that your profile is a huge turn-off.
I guess it's good that you're upfront about your horniness, but don't expect replies any time soon.
And that's all we have time for tonight. Tune in next time, when we'll have another stunning young/old/middle-aged specimen of humanity.
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( 2009 in review )
I know a bunch of you had a rough year, but for me, it turns out I was mostly right about 2009. I'm not going to root for an even better 2010 for myself, because I'm still all about the blessings of low expectations. But here's to a good year, for me and for all of you. |
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There are two people who sometimes read this blog and I'm going to talk about them even though they don't know each other and I do hope they both forgive me for using their words as a launching pad for this musing. I mean no offense.
Anyhow, one talked about hating someone since 1991 because she was the fat girl and this person was her friend up until she stabbed her in the back and started being a total bitch to her. Ok, you've seen Heathers? Think Shannon Doherty's Heather being friends with Martha Dumptruck and how Martha Dumptruck probably had some serious issues with the Heathers that went beyond that sad expression on her face (so see in the happy ending where Veronica befriends Martha because she no longer gives a shit about being cool or about those happy little cliques, Martha is only enthusiastic about it because Martha doesn't have much of a character - but Martha could also tell Veronica to go fuck herself - or want to tell Veronica to go fuck herself).
And another one insists that the Columbine killers were justified and that it was a tragedy but only shows what kind of little shits are in high school.
I rebel against both thoughts because I was an outcast in high school. I think we all feel like outcasts, but I was particularly weird and strage enough to warrant people staring at me when I'm talking to myself with a "you know you scare people" and getting hung up on women out of my league and the like.
I loved that book called Is There Life After High School because it talked about how high school was a training ground for life but in a way where all the popular people failed miserably and all the failures dealt with it and became wildly successful in order to move on. At the end it compared high school reunions to army reunions where everyone went to hell together. The difference is that in high school reunions everyone made each other's life hell.
I rebel against the notion of holding resentments against high school peers because they were all just as miserable and as fucked as me and if I made them uncomfortable then I couldn't help it. And they couldn't help feeling uncomfortable and eventually I had to learn to instinctively be myself without wearing ties around my head and arms as some kind of passive aggressive rebellion against conformity.
Yeah. I was such a non-conformist in 9th grade with those ties around my head.
I'm wearing a bowler hat now as I type at a Kinko's computer. Shut up. I like it.
It's like that Henry Rollins poem that says (I'm paraphrasing) - the more they pushed me away the more of myself I got. Not a bad trade considering how many people don't know themselves and try to be something they're not.
So if I'm uncomfortable with someone holding resentment 10 years after high school graduation, I'm utterly repulsed by anyone defending the Columbine assholes. I'll make jokes about them. I know that if it happened when I was in high school, I'd be talking to the school psychologist in mandatory meetings (bad enough my mom kept calling the school psychologist and counselor whenever she thought I was misbehaving and she wanted someone else to straighten me out. Of course, my only issue was the fact that my mom was a fucking narcissist who couldn't give me a moment of space, read all my mail and had the inability to apologize or even admit wrong doing and I can't deal with that shit NOW much less when I was a teenager. But that's another matter altogether.)
But I got through high school without shooting up the school and killing my classmates. I had it much rougher than those little assholes.
Of course, I never accept the excuses of sociopaths and losers who CONSTANTLY talk about how hard their lives are without ever taking steps to change them. I struggle and work too hard to get out of poverty not to find lazy bastards and drug addicts sickening and pathetic.
Now my college friends - I'm still a little disturbed by that crowd. But that's the whole Manson family thing where "we're all free and cool and everything is fine and whatever you want to do or think is fine" usually translates into "deal with my shit and don't you dare admit to being uncomfortable around me." |
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) meirbg, posting in ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif) dafyomi
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 Which is to be followed, a ruling issued by a Sage in the course of learning, or his practical ruling in court?
Neither. While learning, the Sage may not have considered all aspects of the matter. A practical ruling, on the other hand, may be misunderstood by the observer as to the reason behind it. Rather, the Sage has to declare both that the law agrees with a certain view, and that it is to be followed in practice.
Is the ruling about changes in inheritance true for someone on his deathbed, because of “... on the day when he makes his sons inherit...”, or even for a one who is young an healthy? Rebbi said (and some state, ruled in an actual case) that it works for a healthy person also. The two reports disagree on the “is theory or practice more important.”
Art: Baron Mikhail Petrovich Klodt von Jurgensburg - Beside a Sick Woman |
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Besides the fact that I had a couple of jobs and I woke up at 10 after a Sudafed sleep and drank coffee at 7pm, there was really no reason to stay up until 4:30 in the morning.
Now I'm going to miss the time for the shmai. So much easier in the summer when the sun would be rising around this time and I could daven shacharis and go to sleep until noon or so. Now I have to hope that I wake up before noon so I can at least say shacharis. I know I'm going to miss the window for the shmai.
At least I'm not staying up because I'm going out drinking with the actor roommate. That was a fun summer. |
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Dec. 30th, 2009 @ 01:58 am
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You know, if people aren't freaking out and throwing themselves off of buildings in September of 2239, my frozen, jarred head is going to kick some Mayan ass. |
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Spent an hour waiting at the UPS place for them to stop being jerks and give me the second of the two packages I ordered containing my new computer.
Spent over two hours building the computer. Mini-ITX is small and hard to work with. I couldn't get my CD drive to fit, so I currently don't have a computer with a CD drive.
Couldn't get the computer to boot. Not sure if that's because of something it doesn't like about my primary hard drive, or because it can only boot from SATA. My primary hard drive is IDE, with an IDE-to-SATA converter plugged into it. Though I also threw it into an enclosure and tried to use it over USB. Both times the BIOS recognized it and seemed to be happy enough to try booting from it, but both times it threw an error. (And I'm sure the drive is fine; I can read it fine on another computer via the enclosure.) Maybe the error means I have a bad motherboard? Man, I really don't want to do this all over again.
EDIT: In researching the problem, I have found the strangest page on the internet. Also, we seem to be booting now. For some definition of "booting"; at least we're past the bios. |
meirbg, posting in dafyomi
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 If one says, “Let so-and-so inherit me,” where there is a daughter who will survive him, or if he says “Let my daughter inherit me,” where there is a son who will survive him – he has said nothing, that is, his words are not effective, since he made a stipulation contrary to what is written in the Torah.
However, if he increased the portion of one son among the other sons, or one daughter among the other daughters, or completely eliminated the portion of one son, leaving everything for the other sons, his words stand. Thus, one can change the the portion of whose who are in the same order of inheritance. This ruling contradicts the one cited earlier; indeed, it is the opinion of Rabbi Yochanan ben Berokah and is the one accepted in practice.
Art: Carl Larsson - Mother And Daughter |
meirbg, posting in dafyomi
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 If a person awards his property to several people in turn by saying, “My properties shell be given to you upon my death, and after you die, so-and-so shall inherit it, and after he dies, so-and-so shall inherit it,” the law is as follows.
When the first beneficiary dies, the second beneficiary acquires the property. When the second beneficiary dies, the third beneficiary acquires the property. If the second beneficiary dies during the lifetime of the first one, the property reverts to the heirs of the first beneficiary upon his death.
Even though the award was referred to as “inheritance,” it was only valid because he “gave” to the first one. Thus, when the second beneficiary died, he could not “give” anything to the third one, and the normal order of inheritance got restored.
Art: Sir Lawrence Alma-Tadema - A Family Group |
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I'm two thirds of the way through the book and I think I've hit a wall. Actually I think that Naomi Ragen has hit a wall. The first two thirds are wicked and vicious satire that justifies the Madame Bovary inspiration. Some parts at the beginning where her main character is in Stern (or whatever) make me feel like I'm at an uncomfortable Shabbos meal where all of my cultural references are going to fall flat and someone is going to get bent out of shape when I say my cat is gay.
And I love the part where she pretty much kills her husband's grandfather by shocking him so much that he has a stroke. When informed of the stroke, her reaction is "major or minor".
However, two thirds into the book where she meets the really wealthy character promised on the back cover, it just feels like Ragen is treading water. First off, there's way too much "tell don't show" exposition, especially in regard to the problems of being a rabbi's wife in a wealthy neighborhood. I think the problem here can be found in the acknowledgements. Ragen thanks all these people for giving her stories about the difficulties of being a rabbi in a Modern Orthodox neighborhood. Unfortunately, she seems to want to include ALL of them in a few pages. So suddenly our protagonist who is already a gold digger, is beset by multiple problems that she should know about like people wanting her to give classes, trying to find the right charity, strangers asking her to set them up with shidduchim, people grabbing her in grocery stores to interrogate her and period-stained panties in the mailbox. Many of these shouldn't be surprising to the main character.
Worse is the fact that Ragen feels the need to explain everything. Does she really have to tell her audience that the Kiddush Club is the group of (usually old) men who leave the shul during Haftorah in order to drink in the basement? Couldn't she just say that they were angry at the rabbi for shutting down the kiddush club? I know that would be confusing to the goyim but it wouldn't stop everything short and make the majority of her audience go "Yeah. I knew that. I'm not three." I guess I have to agree with Salman Rushdie who said that he peppers his books with Hindi and Urdu phrases without explaining them and trusting the reader to figure out what he's talking about. And that he was inspired by Philip Roth who does the same thing with Yiddish.
And what the hell does Ragen have against blonds? I remember an AV Club "I Watched This on Purpose" about that Beyonce/Stringer Bell/chick from Heroes movie where the writer said that "Everyone hates attractive tall blonds except for those who worship them." And that seems to be at work here.
Of course, this is the part where I have to pull the Minnesota card and express utter confusion at that. I really don't see how tall blonds are considered exotic. Maybe it's a cultural thing since I've grown up among tall blondes. Hell, I was so thrilled when I started converting to Judaism and going to shul all the time and discovering that I was actually TALL - well compartively speaking (and really, there is no such thing as tall or short on its own - it's always in comparison to something else - thank you Plato) |
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Ok. Let's say you have a platonic friend whom you are quite fond of but for various reasons (most known only to her) it just doesn't work out as anything other than a friendship. Ok, let's say that this friendship occassionally goes through times of tension where for various reasons you just aren't talking. Maybe you've said the wrong thing and made her uncomfortable. Maybe you called her on her bullshit and informed that YES, she really WAS flirting with you, damnit. Maybe, she has arbitrarily decided that something that you've been doing for awhile (writing emails to vent, giving gifts, calling on a very sporadic basis) is "crossing the line" (because she moved it).
NOW, let's say you have a cat. You might have three cats, but two of the cats are so sweet and affectionate (and let's be honest here - emotionally needy) that you can't even call them cats. People who hate cats would love these cats. But then you have a third cat who is a real cat. Very territorial. Bitchy. Affectionate when she wants to be affectionate. Standoffish when she doesn't want to be. And forget about picking her up because she will scratch the living shit out of you (even though she's declawed, those back claws are fucking sharp).
Now let's say in a pique of passive-aggressivity, you rename that cat after the platonic friend.
Is that cute or pathetic? |
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The thing about Run Fatboy Run is not that it sucks. It sucks. Nor is it that it boasts a screenwriting and acting team that's full of talent that I admire and enjoy. It does (Michael Ian Black, Simon Pegg, Hank Azaria). It's that it sucks to the point where I must reevaluate everyone that made it and wonder what the hell happened there. I mean I can't simply blame David Schwimmer and Thandie Newton as the two members of the production team whom I know and merely tolerate.
But the problem with the movie is the fact it takes the same old plot of the arrested developed manchild who needs to grow up and goes and makes him into the MOST REPULSIVE arrested developed manchild who needs to grow up. Simon Pegg's character goes well beyond the lazy but loveable douchebag that inhabits the characters played by Adam Sandler, Seth Rogan and even Simon Pegg and turns out a character who is simply a lazy and hostile douchebag.
Much akin to the two assholes on Two and a Half Men. But even worse.
I wonder if there was a movie that never got made where Simon Pegg is a horrible and nasty douchebag who just fucks everything up and dies in the end. Instead, he's a horrible and nasty douchebag who just fucks everything up that the audience is supposed to relate to. When Hank Azaria is on the screen you are supposed to boo him even though he's a successful and sincere businessman who genuinely wants to make the girl and the son character happy. When Hank Azaria and Newton get engaged you are supposed to feel Pegg's pain even though Pegg is a nasty douchebag who left Newton at the altar and has no sense of responsibility. When Hank Azaria yells at the brat and is shown as having tripped Pegg at the race, you are supposed to be happy that Newton is going back to Pegg even though Azaria made a couple of mistakes and Pegg is a toxic asshole nasty douchebag who fucks everything up. And when Pegg is NOT training to run the big race that's supposed to get Newton back, you are supposed to find the fact that he's fucking up his life with total laziness as funny and cute and charming.
I really wonder if there was a version where you are supposed to hate the fucking douchebag asshole loser who is Simon Pegg's main character in Run Fatboy Run. Because I sure to hate that character.
Makes me slightly more respectful of How I Met Your Mother, not just because it's awesome but because EVERY character has a job. And it's a pretty good job too. In a world full of comedies about arrested develop manchildren, it's nice to see at least ONE show where the 30something characters actually WORK for a living. |
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I remember reading an article in Psychology Today about how one of the symptoms of shyness is to give way too much information in social setting. Like, "Hi, I'm Tim. I lost my virginity when I was 18 with a girl whom I never saw again. She kept biting my lip and that hurt and what's worse I was trying to be a musician at the time and I also used to be a Wiccan. But I realized I couldn't really get laid as a Wiccan and I hate hippies, so I stopped that crap. So what's your name?"
Up until I read that article, I thought that was an aspect of my personality that was in opposition to my shyness.
However, it makes perfect sense as an aspect of shyness, since I always have this monologue going in my head and I'm always thinking of things to say and stories to tell. But most of the time, I don't have an outlet. So when I find someone that is willing to listen or who just seems mildly sympathetic enough to listen for awhile, the volcano of stories erupts.
Of course, this also explains why my livejournal persona has been described as "hilarious", "abrasive", "a fucking asshole" and "way too crass" whilst my real life persona usually tends to be described as "nice" and "not nearly the asshole we thought you would be."
It takes a few meetings to be described as weird. |
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Got an email from a certain non-profit, a Jewish non-profit. Maybe even a Yeshiva. They have wrote the check. They will mail it to me. They offered to let me pick it up.
I don't like bullying clients into paying me, but it does work.
I filtered all the entries about this non-profit organization. |
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I actually wanted to keep the guy's email address off this but since he is trying to promote himself, his email is marcelproust38-at-yahoo - however, if you are reading this livejournal, you should hire me first. But I found this Writing ad rather intriguing.I'm taking a break from Las Vegas magic and conferring with Elvis and levitating elephants over the Mojave Desert. And because I love people everywhere I shall continue to offer my magic to you via the written word and a scribe's creative spirit! In fact, a magic wand is what I am holding for you this very moment. Such magical words beyond your wildest imagination! For I write the things that other writers can't or won't. Need a wedding or funeral poem? A dating profile or sales letter or marketing brochure or professional resume? Or a poison pen letter written to tell off that slimy boss or betraying friend? How about a eulogy or speech or website press release or party toast? You name it, and I probably can write it for you. As long as you want something good and creative and profound and unforgettable. That includes many kinds of journalism, radio and film scripts, book editing, playwriting, SEO website copywriting and editing. And of course also magazine articles and just about any kind of verse you can imagine! I also provide online and in-person tutoring in English grammar and composition, and can perhaps write symphonic music for you if you have a piano!
By the way, I charge reasonable rates and even handle divorces! Like to see my credentials and proof of my skills and abilities? Drop me a line and I'll give you a gander. And even edit your novel if you can pay slightly better than peanuts and have a nicer attitude than Hemingway. That would be Ernest. But you can call me earnest!
Patrick The Poet
Now I write similar ads with my background (professional, Masters degree, Dybbuk Press) and then give a bullet list of things that I will do for the client - pretty much everything writing related. But I've never offered to write a eulogy.
I HAVE written never talk to me again letters. Followed by "glad we're talking again because at least you're not a sociopath like your roommate" letters to the same guy.
But never a funeral oration.
Should I start? |
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Yay
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Dec. 29th, 2009 @ 01:33 pm
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Finally watching The Shield
First season.
Awesome!
I think that's really the last of the television shows that I've been meaning to watch because all of my friends have been pushing them.
I'm rather happy that I waited until now. Means I can watch all the shows at once. Although that's more theoretical since I'm checking them out from the library and there are a lot of people putting these DVD's on hold.
And now time for personal statements. I like personal statements. Personal statements are cool. I sent a client a rough draft of a personal statement that I'm not entirely happy with (since he LOVES philosophy, particularly political anti-laissez faire philosophy like "veil of ignorance" and the like. Darnit. I just wrote the personal statement too. Who is that philosopher. He died in 2002. There's another philosopher that disputed him almost immediately. He is heavily influenced by Kant. Basically, he says that if no one knows anything about anyone else they can create a social order which has the most equitable system for everyone involved. And that social inequality is ok but it shouldn't be to the disadvantage of the least privileged. Darn. I did a paper on this guy. But writing a personal statement for a guy who really likes this guy is much harder because it means that I have to convince my client and the board that he knows the guy intimately).
Anyhow, I turned in that personal statement and promised to revise it and the client said it was great. I will still revise it.
Personal statements are so cool. The clients pay right away. They want to pay right away. Which is nice because I really have nothing to hold over their heads. I mean what do I do for them? I take their words and make them sound a little more eloquent (sic?) than they actually are.
Although my friend in shul told me that a woman quoted him a $2500 price for six essays. Damn. Makes me feel like K Mart since I know that that job would take me 20 hours. Tops. $500. I really hope he hires me. At least for the revision. |
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My motherboard died on me again this morning, and instead of attempting to keep finding new motherboards to support the increasingly-outdated other components I have, I decided to just upgrade. So I just bought myself a new computer! It'll be here in a couple days, and it's cute and little!
I got a case and a motherboard with video and a processor and some RAM and some adapters to hook up my existing HD and CD drive. Whee! I'm almost excited enough to forget about the money it costs! |
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© Valery Dembitsky
Future Dreams
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meirbg, posting in dafyomi
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 A man is believed to say about his son that he is a firstborn, even if it was presumed to be otherwise. The phrase “... he must recognize the firstborn...” is superfluous, and it is interpreted to mean that the father can identify the firstborn to others, that is, help them recognize the firstborn.
If two sons were born in hiding, and it is not clear who is the firstborn, they can appoint each other an agent against other brothers, and together win the portion of the firstborn – so did Rava advise. They told Rava that even though it sounded logical, the Torah insists on a definite knowledge about a firstborn, and that Rabbi Yannai explained this to be true only when the firstborn was known and then mixed up. The next day Rava publicly announced: “The statement that I made previously was an error on my part.”
Art: Léon Augustin Lhermitte Woman with Child and Two Children |
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Which is to be followed, a ruling issued by a Sage in the course of learning, or his practical ruling in court?
